Filed under: self indulgence
Feels like I have dropped off the face of the earth for the last 9 days. Fantastic Fest took up a big chunk of my time, as did packing and carousing. Thankfully, all of the busyness left me with no time to worry, ponder, obsess, or even feel the slightest bit sad. Its starting to become very real — that I will be leaving Austin for good tomorrow morning.
The past 24 hours have been spattered with random, short weeping sessions. I’m the slightest bit apprehensive. My life is soon to change dramatically. And although I will have my family and my two closest friends in appropriately close physical proximity, I’m still leaving behind things I’d rather not.
When I left Connecticut, I ran screaming. I was a mess, my life was a mess, I had no idea what I wanted or needed from those around me or from myself. Basically, I was a kid.
Over the past few days I have been astounded by the sincerity and levity of nearly everyone I’ve interacted with. From the person I am spending nearly all of my free time with down to my fellow nerds at the film fest — everybody seems approachable and even a little more human than usual. Maybe its just my perception, maybe its just the move and the sense of immediacy, but I would like to think that I’m in a process of overall change. As someone close said recently: “What’s with you lately?”
Something is “with me” lately. I think its called being happy. I feel engaged in my life again, not like I’m just along for a lengthy ferry ride. Overall. Happy overall.
In the immediate sense, I’m nervous, scared, and sad. I’ve put a change in motion, and I feel powerless to stop it. Even though its what I want, its scary for my life to be temporarily in the hands of circumstance. That part will be all settled when I am settled in and have a job.
Otherwise, I feel like I have started something here in Austin that I shouldn’t have. Wrong phrasing. Something that I should have started earlier. Or not have started for the sake of my immediate sanity.
Truncated relationships. Too many of them in my life. Relationships with no label. Six weeks of stolen emotional dumpstering and lust here, two weeks of nicked affection and hasty groping there.
I’m depressed about this, but I’m beginning to trust myself when I say that I will start traveling. The trail is turning in a new direction, aligning with my overall course.
1 Comment so far
Leave a comment
remember me!!! you’ll always have a friend in austin. you will do great things, like a friend always says to me “what are you doing with your life?” always have an idea of that.
Comment by Chris September 28, 2007 @ 9:54 pm